I have a confession to make…
And this one is a doozy. I’ve been holding this in for a long time now. 25 years to be exact. It’s something I’ve always wanted to share with the world, but could never quite muster up the courage.
Every time I’ve tried to tell someone there has always been something that gets in the way.
Too scared of what others might think.
Scared of the stigma.
Scared of losing the ones I love most.
I think for awhile now I’ve almost wanted someone to find out. The voices inside me have just been getting louder and louder and I can’t keep them quiet any longer.
It’s time I take back control of my life.
It’s time to come clean.
It’s time to end the lie…
I AM NOT A GOOD SURFER.
That’s right. Let me say it again for the people in the back. I. Am. Not. A. Good. Surfer.
Phew. Wow. There, I said it. I’m going to give you all a moment to let that sync in. In understand that this may be difficult for some of you. You’re probably feeling a lot of different emotions right now.
Coping with the lie
For some of you, it will be rage. Disgusted that a man like me could lie about his surf prowess for years, furious that I could name the names of boards I’ve never rode. For some, it might be a feeling of confusion. “But how could a pasty, see-through-skinned, shaka-waving, surf-flow-but-really-just-mop-top-growing boy from New Hampshire NOT be a good surfer?!?” It probably doesn’t make much sense to you. And for a certain few, you might just be feeling numb. Like ‘sitting out on a board in the dead of winter when it’s so cold your balls crawl back up into your stomach’ kind of numb. Something I probably told you happened to me once, but never actually did.
It’s okay to be feeling those feelings. It’s okay to be angry and confused and numb. You have every right to be. But my hope is that by coming clean about it and sharing my story with you today, that we can all begin to ride the wave towards forgiveness together.
The backstory
I grew up in Hampton, New Hampshire. One of the few and true surfing hotspots in the northeastern United States. I always loved that we were this tiny, little surf town, but I never really managed to break my way into the surf community. I took a lesson here and went out with a friend there, but can probably count on one hand the number of times I caught a wave growing up. When I finally left home, though, I loved talking about our little surf spot. Showing off photos and sharing stories of big storms with huge waves. Always leaving out the small, but critical detail that I myself wasn’t out there.
The comeback
After 25 years of living a lie, I felt it was finally time to properly learn how to surf once and for all. A few friends and I headed west from Marrakech to the coastal town of Taghazout, Morocco to kickoff their “high season.” 5 days of nothing but eating, sleeping and surfing.
Yes, I may have fibbed about being a good surfer for years, but after the aforementioned 5 days of eating, sleeping and surfing I am prepared to bring to you a once in a lifetime opportunity. A first-its-kind-publication that can turn even the biggest surfing liar into Kelly Slater. I present to you…
“How to Go from Zero to Absolute Surfing Hero in Just 5 Days”
The full version of this extremely rare e-book can be yours for just 4 easy payments of $19.99 (plus S&H). And if the title doesn’t get you to BUY, BUY, BUY, here’s a sneak peak at the day-by-day break of how I became a surfing hero in 5 days.
Day one – Well, we arrived after dark on day one, so didn’t necessarily catch any waves. BUT we were staying a block from the beach at a hostel with “surf” in the name. This is called “learning by osmosis.” We also drank more than we probably should have for a casual Wednesday night, which means that we were already starting to embrace what I like to call “surf time” where days of the week don’t exist.
Day two – We woke up really late and some of us had to work. We did, however, nap and go put our feet in the water. We also talked a lot, and I mean A LOT, about surfing, and watched a bunch of Kook Slam videos, but never actually rented boards or went in the water.
I can not understate how important this step is. Surfing is kind of like CrossFit or being a vegan. In order to be any good, you need to tell people about it repeatedly. Get in there early and often. For surfing starters, I’d recommend the waves and your board lengths as talking points, maybe mix in the tides if you want to get really freaky. So, no, we still hadn’t shredded any gnar yet, but you could already see the improvement by the day.
Day three – Water day. Finally, we surfed. Unfortunately, I got a little too big for my board shorts and got a board that was WAY too small for me. I couldn’t even sit, let alone stand on it, so ride-ability was an issue. I did look really good in my wetsuit though and mixed in a nap between sessions, so we’ll call Day 3 a wash.
Day four – LOT of surf talk coming out of day three. We’re talking barrels and green rooms and left-breakers and shakas and 7’6″s and getting super pitted. Bigger board selection and I was flying. Wave after wave. 4 days in the salt water and the surf hair was so good it was about to cause an international incident. At this point, we could tell the exact time of day by the position of the sun and the tides. Practically pros.
Day five – By this point, we were one with the ocean. Our bodies part human, part salt water, ALLLLLLLL surfer. We lived by the tides and the waves dictated our day. Everything from our meal schedule to our bowel movements was controlled by the ocean. We were completely at peace. Waves were no longer just waves, but the quill with which we’d tell our tale.
Chaaaa brah
5 days. 5 grueling days it took for me to become a surfer. For the waves to crash over me time and time (and I mean time and time and time and time and time and time) again and cleanse me of this quarter-century-long lie.
They say in the surfing community that there is no better feeling in the world than riding a wave. Well, I’d beg to differ. I would say that there is no better feeling than lying about being able to ride a wave for 25 years and then riding a wave.
