The year was 2017. May 2017, to be exact. A young boy with a passport and a dream was about to take off on an adventure around the globe. To say he didn’t know what he was getting himself into was a gross, gross under statement.
Like any digital douche with an iPhone and an Instagram account, he started a blog to document his travels. But, like, a cool blog. A hip blog. A blog that would be read by thousands, if not millions, of people all around the world. Definitely not read by just his mom and her friends. Definitely not…
The blog would be a way for him to express himself and tell stories of the places he visited, the people he met and the international incidents he caused. It wouldn’t be one of those travel blogs with beautiful pictures and cute, sandy, perfectly bronzed lady bums. Or one with 8 tips for how to pack all of your lace underwear neatly in a carry-on. This would be real stuff. Real stuff that happens to real people.
But where would he start? How would he relate his content to an audience of millions?
He would make up a number of imaginary prop bets about himself, of course.
Insightful or Insufferable?
Because that’s what people care about. You. They don’t care about “them.” They care about you and the meaningless drivel that happens to you.
There is no better first impression to be made, than making everything all about you. It allows people to relate. Sure, they might say things like…
“Wow, he’s full of himself.”
OR
“I’ve never hated anything more than I hate how much this guy talks about himself.”
OR
“Can you believe this guy thinks I’m going to spend my hard-earned cash from working two-a-days at The Landing Strip near the airport, just grinding and grinding for tips, going up and down, up and down for every last dollar, on his stupid bets…?! Those stairs to the new roof deck don’t climb themselves and the new sous chef has really been riding my ass. That money is staying where only I can get it.”
But, at the end of the day, they would be addicted to you. Their problems, like not having enough money to buy groceries or having a sick kid, would be washed away by your problems like not being able to use the rooftop pool as much as you would like.
How’d we do?
In May 2017 this was the 3rd-ever post on ry3dunn.com: Traveling Prop Bets – Get Rich on My Misfortunes.
A time where we had visited zero countries, boarded zero flights and had absolutely no clue what was about to go down.
But now, 11 months and 15+ countries later, there’s no better time to go back and review the tape.
Now let me remind you, these lines were originally set by Vegas bookmakers themselves. Everything was done fairly and honestly and with a tremendous amount of research. For all those who laid serious heat on any of these lines, payment will be either delivered or collected on April 30th. With a month to go, here’s where things stand:
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Country-specific odds
Finding a wife (country of origin)
- American – 4/1
- Colombian – 7/2
- Croatian – 10/1
- Czech – 150/1
- Argentinian – 50/1
- Mexican – 30/1
- Serbian – 9/1
- Peruvian – off the board, not enough info
- Bulgarian – 200/1
- Other – 500/1
If you had any of these you’re a big dumb dumbo. I am quite possibly further from finding a wife now than I was in the 2nd grade when I thought me and Catie Wheeler were going to be together forever. American (4/1) and Mexican (30/1) still have a fighters chance if you’re looking to lay some late heat.
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Kidnapped (on-location)
- America – off the board
- Colombia – even money
- Croatia – 100/1
- Czech Republic – 75/1
- Argentina – 30/1
- Mexico – 3/1
- Serbia – 6/1
- Peru – 50/1
- Bulgaria – 9/1
- Other – 100/1
Classic win-win here. Avoid getting kidnapped and, well, we avoid kidnapping. Get kidnapped in Mexico and every news outlet in the world is linking to this blog. View counts through the roof.
(Please don’t bet on me getting kidnapped)
Props
Over / Under
- Swindled by homeless – O/U 10 – UNDER
- Testament to me here. I’ve gotten so incredibly good at saying, “No, gracias” to people on the street it’ll make your head spin. Getting swindled by cabbies or service people on the other hand…
- Food poisoning – O/U 4 – UNDER
- There was the Moroccan ManEater, the Peruvian Purge and the Bogota Bowel Movements. Mexico is going to make or break this one. If I was a betting man, I’d say I still have one or two left in me.
- Chirped by Boston friends for social media content – O/U 500 – OVER
- Didn’t really take into account that everyone from back home would just completely stop caring about anything I had to say after about 3 months. Despite that, this one still blows the over out of the water. Although, they’ve started using the derogatory name #BlogBoi, which I actually don’t hate.
- Can’t find his own apartment – O/U 50 – UNDER
- If I don’t have any service and my Google Maps doesn’t work, I have to stop in multiple cafes along the way to hop on the wifi and make sure I’m going the right way. Usually, I feel guilty and buy a drink. At this point, I’ve had 6 drinks over the course of a 20 minute walk and it’s imperative I find my way home, so I can pee.
- Instagram followers by year-end – O/U 10,000 – UNDER
- If I just continued posting pictures of my bare ass there’s no doubt in my mind this over would have hit.
- Highest bar tab – O/U $300 – UNDER
- Blame the bookmakers on this one. They forgot to consider any sort of exchange rates. I’m out here having 10 beers for $15. There have been a few disgustingly overpriced dinners, but the bar tabs have remained low.
- Bar tabs over $100 – O/U 15 – UNDER
- See above. Not sure I’ve even hit this once, where, in Boston, this would be a normal night out where I wake up pants-less with an empty wallet. The pants part has remained true…
- Number of consecutive days without showering – O/U 6 – OVER
- There have been oceans, lakes, rivers, rain storms and homeless men pissing from second floor balconies that have rendered showering obsolete. Proud member of the #TeamNoPoo movement for quite some time.
- Wallets stolen – O/U 3 – UNDER
- Shockingly enough, I am still on wallet number one for the year. You may remember The Shirt Incident of November oh-17, which led to the loss of a phone, but as far as wallets go, I now walk into public places with my hands down my pants more than a pre-pubescent boy who just found his mom’s Victoria’s Secret catalogs for the first time.
- Cheeky kiss with local – O/U 7 – UNDER
- Do you know how hard it is to make out with someone who doesn’t speak the same language? I’m still not over Ela the German-Croatian beauty.
- Missed flights – O/U 4 – UNDER
- Missed a connection my first day of the year and haven’t missed one since.
- # of visitors who actually come visit – O/U 6 – UNDER
- Excluding family, because I think my brother has come to visit like 15 times this year, most people are all talk.
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Odds
- Contracts obscure illness – 12/1
- My brother had a butt cyst and my dad went into surgery in Bogota, yet I’ve somehow managed a clean bill of health thus far.
- Signs contract with foreign soccer team – 1000/1
- This one was much closer than you would think. A Bulgarian guy actually offered me a contract that included a car, a house in the mountains with a pool, 400 Lev a month and all the Bulgarian women I could ever want, just to play for his team. Unfortunately, I think he may have been a pimp.
- Gets involved with Bulgarian mob – 750/1
- Bulgarian mob, no. Serbian mob, definitely yes.
- Body used for drug trafficking – 1000/1
- As far as I know, there is no cocaine currently lodged in my rectum.
- Learns another language – HA!
- No entiendo.
- Forced to shave head because of terrible haircut – 20/1
- Talk about foresight on my part. Can’t get a terrible haircut if you never get a haircut.
- Hospital-inducing sunburn – 50/1
- #sunsafety remains of the utmost importance.
- Never returns to U.S. – 500/1
- I do, in fact, have a return flight booked to the United States. Turns out you need to prove you’re going to leave Mexico in order to enter Mexico, otherwise I think I would have just stayed forever.