There’s nothing better in this world than cooking a hunk of meat (and by hunk of meat, I mean a pre-cooked, store-bought hot dog) over an open fire. And there’s no better time or place to do it than out in the woods, sitting under the stars with a couple of your pals.

Camping 101

Let me make this very clear. I am not a camping guy. I am a fake camping tough guy.

Sure, I like to say, and I like to believe, that I’m a camping guy. That I’m from New Hampshire and that it’s in my blood to pitch a tent and gather firewood.

That’s not true.

I love to camp, yes. But I’ve probably been camping 15-20 times in my whole life. I own no equipment. I know no tricks. I’m extremely under-qualified. Take me camping, however, and you’d think Tarzan and Sacajawea got together and made a camping lovechild.

 

We had the incredible opportunity to go camping out in Bulgaria (big shouts to Balcanic Life who hooked us up with a great setup) and I was in heaven. I kept telling anyone who would listen that the Bulgo wilderness reminded me of my home state of New Hampshire. I pre-packed surprise hotdogs for everyone to grill over the fire (small, medium and large dogs because size doesn’t matter)((except in the case of grilled wieners because the the big ones wouldn’t really cook through)). I was out there in my best dad clothes collecting firewood beer-in-hand like I was the best camping dad on the planet.

 

I’m not even entirely sure you can call this camping. The food was provided and cooked for us, the fire was already roaring when we arrived, hell, the beers we’re even sitting on ice. Nonetheless, I pressed forward as the imposter camping expert that I am. There are a few critical qualities that every great fake-good camper must have.

Fake-campers must:

• Be one with the fire. Is the fire roaring? Good. Get even closer and make it even bigger.
• Tell dad jokes. There’s nothing quite like a dad telling old war stories or shitty jokes around the camp fire. You must be that guy.
• Be the drunkest girl at the party. “Getting drunk in the woods” drunk falls pretty nicely in the Top 5 drunks, right between “My team just won” drunk and “old friend is in town” drunk. Other notable drunks also include:
  • “first football Sunday” drunk
  • “my friend is leaving” drunk
  • “first family wedding” drunk
  • “2nd to last night of a holiday weekend” drunk
  • “retirement party” drunk
  • “buddy’s single” drunk
  • “quit your job” drunk
  • “tailgate” drunk
  • “bonfire on the beach” drunk
  • “family’s all drunk” drunk
  • “get the gang back together” drunk

I digress…

• Tell people how much you love camping. If you don’t tell them before, during and after how much you love camping, they’ll probably never know how much you love camping.
• Eat something gross. Did it fall on the ground? Does it have bugs on it? Immediate camper move. Eat it and you’re in.

 

This is just the beginning. There are plenty of other big time fake-camper moves. You love sleeping on the ground, you love the fresh air, you can’t get enough of the stars, you pack your own pocket toilet paper for “emergencies.” All of them signs that you’ve arrived as a big time camper.

That’s me. Big time camper.

But seriously, this was one of the best times I’ve had in a long time.