A few weeks back I went to the Central Restaurant in Lima, Peru for a buddy’s birthday. It officially comes in at #5 on The World’s 50 Best Restaurants list, but apparently has been listed as high as #2 on certain lists. I mean, this joint is on Netflix. That’s right, the Netflix! Right up there next to re-runs of The Office and Freaks and Geeks (also, RIP Always Sunny). A sure-fire sign it must be legit. The chef, Virgilio Martinez, has an incredible story and looks like the kind of guy my girlfriends would absolutely oogle over at a bar. There’s only one option when you walk in the door… A 17-course tasting menu for a set price of $250. Safe to say, expectations were high.
First Impressions
We arrived at the restaurant early and sat at the bar downstairs for a drink while we waited for the rest of the party to arrive. I ordered a beer. A “Golden” Lager, they called it. It was nice, but certainly not #5 restaurant in the world nice and probably the first sign that this place might be a little stuffy. I mean, can you believe the arrogance on these people claiming they had a “golden” lager?! Brass or copper would have done just fine.
Anyways, the rest of the party arrived and we moved upstairs to our table for 6. I was allowed to transfer my unfinished beer from the bar downstairs to the table upstairs without closing my tab, which seemed a novel concept to me, but I’m told is very common. The waiter went so far as to place his hand on my shoulder and stop me from chugging the rest before switching locations. He even offered to transport it to the table for me. It was a kind gesture, but I’ve learned the hard way not to let a stranger handle your open beverage.
17 Courses
We were seated and I was disappointed to find there were no uncooked popcorn kernels on the table, as is common in most Peruvian restaurants. My disappointment quickly faded, however, when I discovered we would be served 17 different courses for our meal. I’ve done 8 slices of pizza in one sitting and 3 separate Chinese food orders in a single day, but I think I’ve probably topped out at only 5 or 6 ‘courses’ of mom’s mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. 17 courses would push my stomach to its limits. Like my dear friend and culinary icon, Guy Fieri, I buckled up for an out of bounds experience.
The menu itself was more reading than I’ve done in a long time. 17 courses with each dish representing the cuisine and raw ingredients of one of the many different altitudes Peru has to offer. An interesting concept, but some rather drastic and dangerous changes in elevation for those who suffer from altitude sickness.
Learning the menu
Slowly but surely, the dishes began rolling out from the kitchen and although the menu sat in front of us, it was very unclear what we were eating. The kind waiter who had stopped me from chugging my beer came out each time to explain each dish in more detail. With this, it became VERY clear what we were eating… Mostly dirt and seaweed and other things that your parents probably told you to stop putting in your mouth when you were a toddler.
I took it upon myself to play close attention to each and every description. Determined to leave Central with notes on each dish, so I could come running back to this blog right here and inform the masses about exactly what ~$300 gets you at a world class restaurant.
Note: I have taken some creative liberties in the naming conventions of these dishes. Of the above names, only “Thick Stems” seems like something I’d want to get my hands on.
The results are in…
Dish #1 – Uncle Seaweed Kracker w/ Rock Dip – Score: 8.1 – Surprisingly very good. Like a weird chip and dip. That other stuff in the bowl is decoration and not fried chicken like I had hoped.
Dish #2 – Berry Balls & Astroturf – Score: 6.6 – The astroturf was actually a seaweed leaf that might as well have been astroturf.
Dish #3 – Heart & Lung Cancer – Score: 4.4 – Potatoes that tasted like they had been smoking a pack a day for 25 years and a salsa made with alpaca heart. Equivalent of making out with an ashtray.
Dish #4 – Fried Hay – Score: 6.2 – They said there were two potatoes in this dish. If you can identify them, I’ll give you all the pesos in my wallet (and the condom that’s been in there for 3 months).
Dish #5 – Piranha Wanna – Score: 8.0 – Friend piranha skin coming in HOT tasting like an upscale Frito. Big winner.
Dish #6 – Pickleback – Score: 7.6 – The fact that this wasn’t served with Jameson is a disgrace. This was basically a glorified pickle juice chaser to wash down shrimp wrapped in leaves instead of whiskey.
Dish #7 – Bread & butter – Score: 8.3 – Bread & butter should be every restaurant’s bread & butter. Real curveball throwing this in 7th and not 1st. Of course, the butter was green. Like the money Central made off this butter.
Dish #8 – Poocumber salad – Score: 6.5 – Indifferent. Sweet cucumber salad with a bunch of seafood. Did not make it move.
(Don’t have a picture of this one, but the name should paint a pretty picture for ya)
Dish #9 – Avocad-No – Score: 2.3 – This legitimately almost made me throw up. I love avocado, but it was warm and covered in algae and was potentially used during darker times in Peru to torture terrorists.
Dish #10 – Chip, chip, chip, chip, chippppp, chip chip – Score: 6.9 (#nice) – a much-needed reprieve after the vomocados.
Dish #11 – Banana hammock – Score: 6.5 – Like the fashionable men’s swimwear, even the hot chili couldn’t hide the little banana that was hiding in this one.
Dish #12 – Scallops or ScALLops – Score – 7.37 – No matter how you say it, we could all agree that this sauce was the truth (by this time in the night I had drank my fair share of wine, so started adding hundredths of a point).
Dish #13 – Octo-pussy – Score: 8.15 – This octopus spread its legs (all 8 of them) for me on a bed of mashed potatoes and we went at it for hours.
Dish #14 – This little piggy went to market – Score: 8.2 – When you’ve had 13 courses and haven’t been able to ID anything, it’s nice to see a friendly pork face.
Dish #15 – Coo Coo Kaigua – Score: 7.8 – If I was a pompous food snob I would say this dish was “very light and fresh.” Instead, I’m just pompous.
Dish #16 – NOT a Snack Pack – Score: 5.5 – This was like trying to reinvent the wheel. Chocolate pudding Snack Packs are perfect. Don’t try to fix them.
(No picture available. Picture bizarro world chocolate pudding)
Dish #17 – Dessert Crouton & Water Shot – Score: 6.8 – Like giving your drunk friend a water with lime at the end of the night and telling them it’s a vodka soda.
That’s a wrap
And that was that. 17 courses. Some were okay, some were decent, some made me want to rip my tongue out of my mouth and never use it again, but what really got me was how other people reacted to the exact same meal. It was as if we didn’t even eat at the same restaurant. They were completely blinded by the ranking and the hefty price tag.
“It was exquisite!”
“You pay for experience and Central delivered.”
“It’s Centrallll, not Central.”
They’re all liars. We had seaweed and algae like 15 different ways. That’s not “experience,” where I come from that’s how bigger kids pick on smaller kids at the beach.
Overall, what did I learn…? $250 could buy me like 175 slices of pizza.
** Huge shoutout to @sheatliberty for all the food photo **