Everybody poops. That’s just a fact. Everybody does it. Little babies in their diapers, dads of three on a Sunday morning, older men in their diapers. Everybody knows it and everybody does it (except girls, of course. Girls don’t poop. Right…?)
Anyways, this all has a point. Stay with me here.
I recently made my way to the Sahara Desert in Morocco with 5 of my favorite travel buddies. It was one of those weekend-you’ll-never-forget type of weekends. Even just getting to the desert was amazing. We made our way through the Atlas Mountains with our boy, our amazing driver, Yousef. There wasn’t a straight road or a flat road for miles on end. We got a chance to walk through the set of the movie Gladiator, we slept in what they call the “Moroccan Grand Canyon,” and did our best to look the part in the traditional Moroccan jalabas and head scarves. It was a WILD journey. Nearly 15 hours over 2 days just to get to our destination.
The Sahara Desert
Now, I had heard stories of the Sahara Desert. And by “stories of the Sahara Desert” I mostly mean I’ve used it to describe how dry my mouth is on a hungover Sunday morning. This place is no joke. It’s big, it’s hot, it’s dry, it’s sandy. Those mirages you see in the movies? Yup, real as can be. I swear to you, as we were riding in I saw a young Jessica Biel sitting topless on a cooler of cold beer holding an order of Burger King’s Chicken Fries. Tom Brady was there, too. Strangely enough, also topless, holding a container of ranch dipping sauce.
Anyways…
Yes, the Sahara was as huge and incredible as I had heard about. You wouldn’t want to get lost out there. After our seemingly never-ending drive in, we arrived at our camel pickup point.
Quick public service announcement: If you ever come across the opportunity to ride a camel. Do it. Do it without hesitation. But do not, I repeat DO NOT, wear shorts, a dress or assless chaps. Chafe city. You would probably think that an animal notorious for its humps wouldn’t make for the most comfortable ride and you would be absolutely right.
How bout that ride in?
The camel’s job was to take us to our tent city in the middle of the desert. Seems like maybe not the best real estate decision, but apparently the going rate for a one-night stay on the cold, hard desert floor, dozens of miles from the next sign of life, is about $100.
They pack in the action, though. In the span of just 12 hours we saw a sunset, a sunrise and a moonrise. If you would have told me that the moon “rises” I would have told you you were out of your mind. The moon is made of cheese and it magically appears in the sky at night. Yet here I was watching the moon peak over the dunes and light up the whole sky.
In addition to watching celestial objects rise and fall, we were treated to an incredible African drum show around the campfire and hiked (and slept) atop the tallest dune in the Sahara Desert, which I have officially dubbed “the quietest place on earth.” To top it all off, we were also the beneficiaries of a traditional Berber feast in the main tent of tent city. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now.
The desert demise
This is where it all started.
This was the beginning of the end.
You’re probably still wondering why the title of this blog is “Everybody Poops.” How could a seemingly once-in-a-lifetime trip to the Sahara Desert teach us about the human digestive system?
Sign #1
Well, after that dinner we quietly wrapped up our evening and got a few hours of sleep before our camel ride out at 5:15AM. Fortunately, the camels don’t make you go through customs or security, BUT they do make you trudge through piles of their golfball-like dropping to get aboard.
This was the first sign.
Sign #2
As with most things, the camel ride out wasn’t nearly as good as the way in. Maybe it was doing it in the dark, maybe it was because the seat was a little cold, but it certainly wasn’t pleasant. That was, of course, until one of our fellow travelers on a neighboring throne was hurled from her camel straight onto her ass; completely eating shit.
This was sign number two.
Sign #3
We got back to the camel camp and it was a quick breakfast before piling back in the van for the 12-hour ride home. As we pulled away and I looked out on the sprawling landscape I thought to myself how there was really nowhere to hide out here. It was just nothingness as far as the eye could see. The bumpy road seemed to go on forever without as much as a sign of life. No trees, no people and certainly no rest areas. We were in this for the long haul. That’s when, from out of the depths of the Sahara, a slight tickle of the tummy.
The third sign.
Uhh oh
Dinner from the night before hadn’t exactly been handled with the utmost care. And if I had to venture to guess, the refrigeration in the middle of the desert wasn’t exactly up to Michelin Star standards.
“Yousef, how long until there’s somewhere we can stop to go to the bathroom…?”
“Two hours, my friend.”
Oh. Shit.