A 24-year-old drug mule from Canada obsessed with Instagram “likes” broke down in tears in an Australian courtroom as she was sentenced to eight years in prison on Wednesday.
Melina Roberge is likely to be deported after she serves time for her part in trying to smuggle $16 million worth of cocaine into Sydney aboard a cruise ship.
I fall fast
A few weeks back I wrote about falling in love with a girl who bankrupt herself trying to get Instagram famous. Our romance was certainly brief, but there’s no denying the incredible chemistry between the two of us. I mean…
Well, now we’ve gone and done a complete 180.
Melina Roberge said, “I see your bankruptcy, Lissette, and I raise you an imprisonment.” These women. They just know the way to my heart.
But Melina, rather than losing all her money trying to get Instagram famous, instead smuggled $16 MILLION worth of cocaine in exchange for a free trip and $5,000 in pocket cash to help fund her IG lifestyle.
Oh my dear god, that’s so hot. What a lunatic.
Tale of the tape
You know, I hate to pit two women against each other. It’s wrong to draw comparisons, but my hands are tied (out of solidarity for bae’s handcuffs). They have left me with no choice.
While Lissette was putty in my hands after one little post, Melina is playing hard to get. She’s going to make me wait at least 5 years (barring good behavior) for our first date.
That’s Mel for ya, though (yes, only her family, closest friends and favorite stalkers get to call her Mel). Always making me work for it. She’s going to have me on my knees begging for a first date when she gets out of prison. She’ll probably make me try and remove her ankle bracelet while I’m down there too…
Little does she know, this will only make me want her more.
A simple misunderstanding
And how about the balls on the judge in this case talking about my lady like this…
She was seduced by lifestyle and the opportunity to post glamorous Instagram photos from around the world… She wanted to be the envy of others. I doubt she is now.”
Hey Judge Judy, why don’t you bite your damn tongue?! Melina was a good girl. She was nice.
I mean, sure, maybe she wasn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. And yeah, maybe she got caught up with the wrong people who tricked her into smuggling 209 POUNDS worth of cocaine for a 5 grand payday.
But that could happen to anybody. Classic case of wrong place at the wrong time. She’s my sweet little summer cantaloupe.
Don’t you dare talk down to her like that.
A perfect match
Honestly, I think Melina and I would be perfect together. I mean, she wants to travel around the world and post content from exotic locations.
I, too, have been traveling around the world and have also posted content from exotic locations.
First Bulgarian lunch: @SUBWAY
It's called immersing yourself in culture. Read a book, people.
— Ryan Dunn (@Ry3Dunn) July 31, 2017
She says in the article that she was “a stupid young woman.”
In my very own Instagram bio I say that I am “The World’s Dumbest Traveler.”
She seems to like posting scantily clad photos.
I also quite enjoy posting scantily clad photos.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. But it all seems a little too coincidental.
I think we’re a match made in heaven.
We’ll get through this
I get it. She has to do her time. What I love about her though is that she’s giving me my space.
She’s giving me some time to get my life in order before we get together for real.
She claims that she has “devastated so many people…”
I say that this couldn’t be further from the truth. I’d say that it’s actually incredibly thoughtful. It’s her way of saying, “Hey, babe, I’m going to go away for awhile, but it’s only so I can work on me and you can work on you. When we finally do end up together, we’ll be better people for it.”
How sweet.
Melina is mine
I’m sure there will probably be a line of suitors around the corner outside the barbed wire gates just waiting for her release. The Instagram follows will likely flow in as everyone tries to get a piece of the smoking hot drug mule.
But I would like to make one thing abundantly clear to all the men out there:
Back the fuck off.
She’s mine. We’re in love. And I’ve got dibs.
