We’re going to try out a new little game here. For the past year I’ve sat idly by and refused to acknowledge the ridiculousness of Instagram. I, too, was swept up in the madness of becoming a famous “travel Instagrammer” when I first left to roam around the world. I mean, I even set a made-up prop bet for myself at a casual 10,000 followers by year’s end (I’m currently around 1/10 of that…). It seemed easy enough.
What I’ve learned, however, is that building any sort of audience online is hard work. Whether it’s with a blog, on Instagram or some sort of outrageously bold attempt to resurrect MySpace, you have to be ruthlessly consistent, always-on and generally willing to remove an article of clothing or two.
The people who build massive Instagram audiences are impressive. There’s no denying that. Many of them often shoot, edit, write and post dozens of pieces of content a week. It can be a full-time job in itself, BUT there’s also no denying that some of them have moved into the content game that is so far removed from reality it’s teetering on ridiculous.
This is for them.
How’d we get here?
This new segment will explore the backstory behind some of the most outlandish travel photos posted on Instagram. Maybe I’m making them up. Or maybe I’m reading between the lines. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m dating one of the subjects and was on location feeding her grapes while she posed seductively on a bed of roses I laid out with chocolate ganache placed ever so perfectly on the nightstand next to a three-pack of Trojan condoms. #ad
You’ll have to decide for yourself.
So, without further adieu, our first masterpiece.
The Backstory
It was an early Saturday morning in Kamandalu Ubud. A place known for it’s rather difficult pronunciation and 5-star hotels. Female Subject #1 had just awoke from a somewhat on-again off-again slumber. She had been paid by Avocados From Mexico to visit Bali in an attempt to target a largely untapped market: rich, white people in Bali. While yes, rich, white people have already over-saturated the American market, Bali is ripe for the taking.
Despite Avocados From Mexico putting her up in a luxurious 5-star resort, she didn’t realize the resort was situated above a rice field, that was on top of an grass-fed cow farm, that was next to a waterfall, that was on top of another waterfall, so things got a bit noisy and the mosquitos were relentless; thus her sleepless night.
She could not let this deter her, however, because today was a big day.
Breakfast is Served
Female Subject #1 reached into her designer toiletry bag, grabbed some ointment and applied to her fresh bites before throwing on her 3rd favorite one-piece and heading down to the pool overlooking the basin of the second waterfall for breakfast.
The kitchen table was exquisite. Gold-rimmed napkins sat beautifully folded in the shape of tigers with small snakes in their mouths. The juices were lined left to right to form a perfect rainbow, right down to the exact RGB specifications. There were even two candles being burned from the earwax of 82-year-old owner of the neighboring rice field. It was incredible in every way imaginable. Word even got out around camp that the butlers had been working on it from sunset the night prior without even a lick of sleep.
Naturally, she wanted to eat in the pool instead.
What to eat?
Her request to eat in the perfectly-regulated 82-degree Fahrenheit water certainly threw a wrench in the butlers’ plan, but compared to the previous travel blogger who had stayed at the resort and asked them to swim to across the channel to Lombok for more papaya, this was nothing.
The two butlers rearranged the spread to fit on one floating tray table. They then ever-so-delicately placed it in the water while Female Subject #1 began to grow anxious.
The spread itself was still stunning, but seemed like a bit much for one 5’2″ 107-pound women. The 4 different fruity drinks were sure to drive her natural sugar levels through the roof. Not to mention the fact that too much raw fish for breakfast seemed like a surefire recipe for mercury poisoning and another shitty night of sleep. It’s almost as if travel bloggers just don’t care about their 8 hours anymore.
Despite the obvious health risks, Female Travel Blogger #1 grabbed hold of her first juice– a strawberry, mango concoction that was sure to set the tastebuds ablaze — and looked longingly into the distance hoping for a handsome, young male travel blogger to come along. Probably someone with overgrown, shaggy hair, boyish good looks and an insatiable desire to feed her grapes on a bed of roses as part of her latest Trojan ad.
The perfect Instagram
As it would turn out, she was not looking longingly into the distance for the man of her dreams, but was instead holding a pose hoping that one of the butlers would stop rearranging the Azaleas (she preferred lilies, after all) and would take the GoPro (#ad) she left on the table to take her picture.
Finally catching some of the sublet hints, Butler #1 grabbed the GoPro and stopped at the edge of the pool ready to snap the shot. At this point, the eggs were disgustingly cold and practically inedible. The flies started to take a liking to the sugary drinks. It was no matter, however, they could be photoshopped out.
Unfortunately, the perspective from the edge of pool was not quite right. Butler #2 was instructed to get on the shoulders of Butler #1 to get the perfect angle and snap the shot seen in the photo.
Making a splash
After 52 takes, Butler #2 was fed up. But Female Subject #1 finally seemed satisfied with the lighting and the symmetry of the egg yolks. She thanked the butlers for the photoshoot and turned to Butler #3 to ask for a granola bar.
They were shocked and insulted. Was she really about to pass on a meal they had visited 6 different villages to collect and prepare? It seemed likely, so the butlers reacted in the only way they knew how. Butler #2 gathered himself atop Butler #1’s shoulders. He readied his body and shouted out at the top of his lungs. They would hear his cry from 3 rice fields over,
“CANNONBALL.”
The juices went flying everywhere, while single waffles floated around like tiny, insect-sized pool floats. The raw fish was so raw that it even started swimming around again.
Female Subject #1 was furious, but she got the shot.
And really, that’s all that matters.